05:52 - 27 August 2004
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happy friday!
7 more days and i'll be rich, do-da. do-da,.........
AS some of you may know, i have a bi-polar disorder, which usta be called manic depression. what that does is puts my emotions on a pendulum. in other words, some days i feel extremely euphoric, to ok, to sad to extremely bummed out! whatta life.when i am euphoric, i sleep very little {2-3 hours a day)and i feel like i am perfect, and all the rest of the humans on the planet are below me. on the other hand, when i am extremely bummed out, i cannot for the life of me, get out of bed. i refuse to take meds for this, because i believe that meds just mask the problem. there is no cure for bi-polar. there is a chemical inbalance in my brain, and as a result, i percieve things going on around me differently than people without bi-polar. which means, i have to stop and think about situations, and analize them to see if my reactions are proper.
as a result, i cannot hold down a job, i tend to get into arguements easily, although i try extremely hard not to, and i get paranoid very easily. which explains why i travel extensively. currently, i am trying real hard to stifle my travel outbursts and stay put in one place. typically, i stay in one place for just a coupla months, sometimes, just a few days or weeks.
this also effects my decision making process, i tend to be very impulsive as a result. and i cannot save money. the cash i get from the gubbermint lasts only a week or 2, if im lucky. regardless if i am living in a room or shelter. so there. thats the cards i have been dealt, and i deal with it.
i feel great today, i got a room, a puter, and windows media player, which enables me to listen to my favorite radio station KGO san francisco!!! woo-hoo! coffee and cigarettes too, so today, i am doing ok. dont take much to make me happy, huh? hahahahaaa.
ah well...the one regret i have is that i cannot work, and sometimes i envy the people out here who can work, its a pain in the ass sometimes, and i aint gonna get rich off of what the gubbermint gives me. unless i go to a casino and hit it big; there goes my "stinkin thinkin" again! hehehee.
i know good and well, what will happen in a casino, i think, well, i got 100 bucks to spare, (ya, RIGHT!!) i'll just play the dollar slots, im bound to hit a good payoff, after all ya gotta spend money to make money, right?
heres the reality of the situation. if i take 100 bucks, and goto a casino, i will lose it, then i will take another 100 and lose that...next thing i know, i'm screwed..guess where i will be sleeping for the next month or so...
hoo-boy! as long as i keep that in mind, i will be ok. today, i look at the pros and cons of things. i got a nice cheap comfy room! (YAY!) i got a tv that works, a puter to work on to keep busy, phone, microwave, and a great mission down the street if i need a decent free meal.lets face it folks, when i get done with rent, fone bill, internet access, tv, smokes and coffee, laundry, sock buying, (i go thru socks like water)i aint got much left for food. i qualify for only 10 bucks in food stamps. so there. but, it sure beats the hell outta livin inna shelter.
there, u have to be back at a certain time, go to sleep at a certain time, eat at a certain time and wake up at a certain time and out ya go to roam around town til evening. an afternoon nap is out of the question, if ya goto the library to nap, they wake u up, if ya goto a park to nap, the cops wake u up...and, forget about watchin tv...so on and so forth! whatta life!
well, anyway, thats what i gotta put up with these days, and i am doing ok, for today, one day at a time! keep a smile on ya face, and good gentle thoughts in ya heart, and pick up a kitty today, and feed him/her. cya later! 1 more thing, while u r here, reading my drivel, look below here and see all the ELVIS songs you can listen to while ya read, u need a real player to listen, if ya dont have one u click on the link that sez get real player 8 and its free! so enjoy the day and be happy!
