06:09 - 29 September 2004
church
Good Morning Holy Roman Catholics, and those of you who do not believe in Purgatory!
Before we begin todays episode....
Birthday Countdown! Just 72 shoplifting hours left before our hero reaches the not so big 4-6!
I remember the mass in latin. scared the shit out of me, sometimes literally! I started going to mass with my brother when i was 4. MA would give us a shiny nickle to put in the "poor box" with the admonition that we damn well better put the nickle in the poor box, GOD was WATCHING! well, right across the street from St. Theresa's Holy Roman Catholic Church was an Apothecary. and in it was glass jars with MALTED MILK BALLS! well, my brother and i would go before mass and get some malted milk balls! so much for the poor box! we would go into church and sit in the back. organs playing soulful music, the procession down the aisle with the priest and alter boys and the priest flinging holy water at everybody; then up at the alter, the candles; looking at the candles would ALWAYS make me cry; the light would pierce my eyes; i used to think that back in those days, the priest had magical powers! during the holy eucharist, his fingers would shoot lightning bolts, and turn the WATER into WINE, just like Christ! and the hosts! before holy communion, the priest with lightning bolts coming out of his hands, would turn those hosts into the Body of Christ! I was too young at the time to recieve holy communion, so lets fast forward a few years to....
Practicing to recieve my First Holy Communion!
well, here we are, up at the alter on my knees to recieve my First Holy Communion! That Priest looking up at him whilst on my knees looked 50 feet tall! My throat was dry! i was scared shitless! here it comes! the Priest booms in a deep echoing voice "THE BODY OF CHRIST" and here comes the host, placing the host on my tongue, start to swallow, and its STUCK on the top of my mouth! i start gagging...2 NFL LINEBACKER SHAPED NUNS lifted my tiny body up and out the side door.. as i was puking up i heard the nuns talking to each other: NUN #1 (in irish accents) "did he throw up the spirits?"
NUN #2 (looking down) "aye, he threw up the spirits" NUN #1 "well. poor soul. eee's CONDEMNED fer LIFE!" "now eeee weel never complete the sacraments!"
SO, there you have it! condemned for life! what a thing to say to a gullable kid!
we continued to go to mass every sunday, but not before we got our malted milk balls!
thats the news from lake oh my gawd, where all the women are strong, the men are good looking, and the children are above average....
the story you have just read is true! no names were mentioned because i cant remember any!
