06:03 - 06 December 2004
jesus toast
your own personal jesus toast!

We all know the story by now. Ten years
ago, a jewelry designer named Diana Duyser made a grilled cheese sandwich
while working on some drawings. She took a bite, marvelled at its cheesy
goodness, then had an epiphany: Her sandwich looked like the Virgin Mary!

Duyser, presumably no longer hungry after her brush with the Virgin Mother,
hid the sandwich in a box for a decade, where it miraculously grew zero
mold. Eventually, for reasons only known to Duyser, she unveiled it to
the world, which went crazy for her little Grilled Cheese effagy. So crazy,
in fact, that the Antigua-based casino GoldenPalace.com, best known for
drawing its name on the backs of sweaty men who pummel the shit out of
each other, bought
it for $28,000 on eBay.

That's a lot of money for a grilled cheese sandwich. To level the playing
field, an enterprising man named Christopher
Curry is selling his Blessed Grilled Cheese Virgin Mary Creation Kit
on eBay ... with a bid of $3,500.

Since we here at who did it and ran, ink!! know that you lack $28,000 for a randomly
occurring piece of religious sandwich, or even $3,500 to recreate the
miracle in the privacy of your own home, we conducted a test to make our
own. Here's how we did it.

Step One: Get Bread, Get Butter, Get Crazy.

For those of you who are new to Earth, this is a picture of bread and
butter. You probably have this stuff in your fridge. It's all you need
to make millions and millions of dollars making fake Jesuses.

�

Step Two: What Up Jesus? You My Home Slice.

This is a slice of bread, which, at some point must have been some kind
of modern marvel, hence the phrase "greatest thing since sliced bread."
This, clearly, makes absolutely no sense today and leaves you with a suspicious
feeling about a society that placed such a high cultural premium on properly
sliced bread.

�

Step Three: The Face of God, In Butter.

Carefully cut little slices of butter and arrange them to make the face
of The Messiah, making sure to focus on the crucial beard/mullet areas.
Inadvertenty note that "Jesus has a butterface" and immediately
feel such tremendous guilt that you break down and pray. Very good, my
son.

�

Step Four: Put Jesus in the Toaster Oven.

To go from "breakfast" to "breakfast miracle," slide
Jesus into the toaster oven and flip the switch. This doesn't work as
well in one of those old-timey, top-loadey toasters because Jesus catches
on fire and burns down your apartment, which isn't the kind of "closeness
to God" you had in mind.

�

Step Five: Jeeee-licious!

It's Jesus on your toast! Sure, this could also be Johnny Damon or Rupert
from Survivor, but that doesn't matter -- your toast has a Shroud of Turin
mysterious iconic look about it that will get those eBay bidders freaking
out.