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06:19 - 06 March 2005
what now, what next , where to?

i thought both of these was pretty good today.
as y'all know, i work all night saturday goin into sunday, from 1 am to 9 am, tonight was really messed up, in that jason, who i take over from, stayed with me from 1 am to 4 am, blabbing his fool head off about this innernet gal, from the philipines, who he is "madly in love with" sheesh!! hes getting messed up, his mind was goin 100 mph, (62.5 kph) and i couldnt shut him up, blab blab blab!~! cheesus h cristmas!! suddenly, i got wrapped up in this yak a thon, and it got a lil loud, o so much that doyle the manager came out and told us to shaddup!! oh, fuck a duck!! whats gonna happen now! well, THAT got jason to goto his room and try to sleep, his chief complaint was that he couldnt sleep, and according to him, he's been up for a few days. i guess he just needs an ear to talk to, but dang! people were trying to instant message me, and i had a hard time keeping up. what a friggen pain in the ass he was.

now, dont get me wrong, i usually dont mind somebody needing me to talk to, i DO like to help people when they are worrying, but jason is becoming a broken record, its gotten so that every time i see him, he goes on and on, and it just bugs the shit outta me. i try to give him advice, but he dont listen. he sez the same things over and over again. i just wanna come down here, do my 8 hours, and go back to sleep. when i come to work i want it nice and quiet, thats all, now we woke up doyle the manager, and i bet hes pissed; i know i would be.

i guess im gettin a lil fed up. last few days, i go shopping, and people get in my way, inadvertingly, i cuss at them under my breath. i see some one that looks nasty, i cuss at them under my breath. i get so aggravated after a while, i just wanna get outta the store; people are pissing me off, and its not them. its me. now, all i wanna do is curl up in my bed and stay there. leave me the frig alone! thats NOT ME.

i wonder if im gettin antsy; i dunno, the other night, when i bought the air conditioner, i put it together, and put it in the window, and i layed down in the bed, looked at it, and said to the wall, "well, i guess i'm STAYING PUT NOW!"

i am staying put. i have to. i got too much money wrapped up in here. cheesus, that never usta bother me before. ya know what keeps me here; the thought of travelling, then gettin broke, then in the shelter. now I'M starting to sound like a broken record. y'all heard this before. its a struggle, and i know i have to go one step at a time. i AM not moving AT ALL. period!! im done with that. as long as i can say that, then think of how i can go to sleep anytime i want to, that keeps me here.

other people dont have to do this. just me. cause of this dumbass mental illness i have.
i dont want to struggle; to have to constantly remind myself as to what will happen if i just up and go.

i need to lose weight. big time. all my weight is in my gut. well, come monday, what im gonna do is look at joining a gym or workout place, or whatever ya call it. i need to get on one of those walking machines and start losing the weight. theres one downtown, and i pass by there on occasion, and i actually see some people RUNNING on one of those.
i know i'd need to take it slow, at first, cause i have no stamina at all. see what happens when u sit on ya fat ass all day and do nothing?

well, enuff of this jib jab... i AM doin all right. im real lucky for what i have, and i really shouldn't be whining. im living life on life's terms, and i HAVE made some changes, all for the good. right now, i just need to find things to occupy my time!!

hava happy sunday, folks!




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