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05:47 - Wednesday, May. 11, 2005
feelings, and it aint nice
today, i am very:

deal with it!



1st up, BLOGTHINGS!!!





What Your Dreams Mean...




Your dreams seem to show that you're very preoccupied with your fears and problems.

These bad dreams indicate that you need to spend more time on your issues during the day.

You tend to be a very productive thinker.

Your dreams tend to reflect your insecurities.

Your dreams indicate that you have very conflicted feelings.

You have a very vivid imagination and a rich creative mind.

You secretly want to hide your dreams from your waking mind.


What Do Your Dreams Mean?







Your Japanese Name Is...


Shunichi Nomiya


What's your Japanese Name?



DISCLAIMER FOR TODAY!
TODAY'S ENTRY IS ABOUT HOW I AM FEELING, AND ITS NOT NICE. IT MAY MAKE YOU UPSET AND POSSIBLY RUIN YOUR DAY. READ THIS AND BE AWARE THAT ITS NOT NICE. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.


I'M TIRED of this shit!
why cant i get happy and stay happy?
why is it that when things are swell, i feel like shit?
theres no good god damn reason for me to feel like i do!
i'm tired of having to mask my feelings;
i'm tired of struggling to appear 'normal'
i slept like dog shit last night, again~ grrrrrrrrr.
i'm tired of being bi polar.
my life overall sucks.
yea, im free, and i live in a free society, and i do value my freedom.
yea, im not locked up inna psych ward. gawd, thats fucked up!
people say, that if ya dont like the way things are, change em; well, i did do that to an extent, now i feel TRAPPED!
you think YOUR shit is bad, try this!
I have NO FRIENDS, i have INTERNET FRIENDS, people i have shared my life with for years, but never had a face to face with. these people here in this hotel are not friends, they are moochers, needy people, fucked up like me.
i am UNABLE to attain and maintain a real relationship because, who wants a guy with a bi polar disorder, a recovering alcoholic who in reality is filled with rage, and the only thing to do is cry like a baby when the shit level gets too deep, or beat feet down the street;
cannot maintain a real job, anti-social, impulsive, spends money like water, and lives on occasion on fantasy island, and god forbid, dont let me go near a casino with cash in the pocket, is afraid of the rain, wants to sleep all the time, and lives vicariously thru television programmes and can be homeless at the drop of a hat, unable to drive a car anymore because of road rage! (get the holy fuck outta my way, you rat bastard)!

i do the same thing every day:
2am-5am wake up and drink coffee and write the drivel;
watch news and eat breakfast drink coffee until 7am or so;
7am-11am sleep some more;
if doyle the manager wants me to "work" i drop everything and run downstairs; heres "work": sit in the office, and play pogo, stand out front and smoke, chase away friggen drunken asswipes who insist on coming by here just to start shit! answer the office phone.
if no work;
watch tv and eat. play pogo, clean the room, do laundry, and if its nice outside, i force myself to go out into the real world, only to get angry, cause i end up spending money for no good reason.
afternoon naps;
smoke incessantly;
4pm-7pm watch news
7pm, mon-fri go lock the parking lot for the construction crew.
then come back and watch tv til 11pm, and while i do this, im on the puter, pogo, messenger, news feeds.
11pm til 2am or 3am sleep.
weekends are special; i have to try to sleep on saturdays so i can be up all night to "work" from 1 am to 9 am sundays, unless i have to work 9am to 5 pm saturdays like last saturday and this saturday.
sunday, sleep.
are you disgusted by reading this yet?
well this is my life today, and nothing seems to change;
when i was homeless, i would spend the day either riding the bus or at the library or in the park, sleeping, then off to a shelter at night, hoping i get a bed.
i just dont know what to do. i am not happy; i appear happy, but in reality, im not. taking meds dont help, so why bother. sometimes, i think that if i had unlimited cash flow, all i would do is travel; but, lets get real, who has unlimited cash flow? when i used to ride the amtrak, i'd meet people that i would never see again, and make up a life to tell them, so i'd appear 'normal' ie: "oh yea, i'm on vacation, from seattle, i work for microsoft, in research and develoupment" or some shit like that! then, dazzle these idiots with a flash of brilliance, and baffle em with bullshit!

what would make me happy and satisified? i dunno, really. and dont write to me and tell me to fucking "find jesus" or some shit like that! i had jesus, and i lost my son and family, so i dont wanna hear that crapola!

maybe if i had a real family and life i would be happy.,i had that once, but i pissed it away. thats MY FAULT.

i have had oppurtunities in life to be something, but i pissed em all away.

now i watch tv shows and associate myself with the main charactor, and live in fantasy land.

im not trying to make YOU depressed, im just telling you how it is with me. so if you think your shit is bad, try mine, i'd GLADLY trade places with you.

im going to journalcon in october, and try my best to intermingle and me social,and act normal.

i dont want pity, so dont go, awwwwww, poor bastard!
i dont know what i want.
all i know is, i just have to keep on doing what im doing, and hope i find happiness. whatever that is.



FACT OF THE DAY
Surrealist artist Salvador Dali is born today in 1904. A talented and controversial artist famous for his dream-like paintings and eccentric appearance and lifestyle, Dali's works remain some of the most memorable images of the 20th century - particularly the melting clocks in the painting The Persistence of Memory.

CAT OF THE DAY


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