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05:47 - Wednesday, May. 11, 2005 1st up, BLOGTHINGS!!!
DISCLAIMER FOR TODAY! TODAY'S ENTRY IS ABOUT HOW I AM FEELING, AND ITS NOT NICE. IT MAY MAKE YOU UPSET AND POSSIBLY RUIN YOUR DAY. READ THIS AND BE AWARE THAT ITS NOT NICE. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED. I'M TIRED of this shit! why cant i get happy and stay happy? why is it that when things are swell, i feel like shit? theres no good god damn reason for me to feel like i do! i'm tired of having to mask my feelings; i'm tired of struggling to appear 'normal' i slept like dog shit last night, again~ grrrrrrrrr. i'm tired of being bi polar. my life overall sucks. yea, im free, and i live in a free society, and i do value my freedom. yea, im not locked up inna psych ward. gawd, thats fucked up! people say, that if ya dont like the way things are, change em; well, i did do that to an extent, now i feel TRAPPED! you think YOUR shit is bad, try this! I have NO FRIENDS, i have INTERNET FRIENDS, people i have shared my life with for years, but never had a face to face with. these people here in this hotel are not friends, they are moochers, needy people, fucked up like me. i am UNABLE to attain and maintain a real relationship because, who wants a guy with a bi polar disorder, a recovering alcoholic who in reality is filled with rage, and the only thing to do is cry like a baby when the shit level gets too deep, or beat feet down the street; cannot maintain a real job, anti-social, impulsive, spends money like water, and lives on occasion on fantasy island, and god forbid, dont let me go near a casino with cash in the pocket, is afraid of the rain, wants to sleep all the time, and lives vicariously thru television programmes and can be homeless at the drop of a hat, unable to drive a car anymore because of road rage! (get the holy fuck outta my way, you rat bastard)! i do the same thing every day: what would make me happy and satisified? i dunno, really. and dont write to me and tell me to fucking "find jesus" or some shit like that! i had jesus, and i lost my son and family, so i dont wanna hear that crapola! maybe if i had a real family and life i would be happy.,i had that once, but i pissed it away. thats MY FAULT. i have had oppurtunities in life to be something, but i pissed em all away. now i watch tv shows and associate myself with the main charactor, and live in fantasy land. im not trying to make YOU depressed, im just telling you how it is with me. so if you think your shit is bad, try mine, i'd GLADLY trade places with you. im going to journalcon in october, and try my best to intermingle and me social,and act normal. i dont want pity, so dont go, awwwwww, poor bastard! FACT OF THE DAY Surrealist artist Salvador Dali is born today in 1904. A talented and controversial artist famous for his dream-like paintings and eccentric appearance and lifestyle, Dali's works remain some of the most memorable images of the 20th century - particularly the melting clocks in the painting The Persistence of Memory. CAT OF THE DAY
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