05:41 - Tuesday, Jul. 26, 2005
a meme, and a revelation of progress!!!
Heres a meme from my pal, l-empress

30 years ago i�..

1. went into the navy
2. snuck into the world series
3. met my ex

20 years ago i�..

1. was a full blown alcoholic
2. the marriage was going down the drain
3. went to truck driving school

10 years ago i�..

1. was homeless
2. in and out of hospitals
3. very unstable, mentally

5 years ago i�..

1. was still homeless
2. trying to become stable
3. thinking about working

3 years ago i�..

1. made attempts to stay put somewheres
2. getting good therapy
3. worked as a trucker for the last time

1 year ago i��

1. moved here where I live now
2. determined to stay put
3. was really tired with the path my life was going

so far this year i�..

1. am able to maintain a life here
2. have people who care about me
3. able to control my temper and maintain a job and apt.

yesterday i��

1. worked all day, 9 to 5
2. helped someone in need, indeed
3. was responsible

today i�..

1. will clean my room
2. play pogo and chat with my pals
3. eat and watch tee vee, and take a nap, cause I can!

Tomorrow I will�.
1. help someone in need, if need be
2. remember my son steven, who died 19 years ago tomorrow
3. remember the shit I been thru, and the progress I have made
4. be responsible and live life on life�s terms.

Ya know, its strange how things work out sometimes. When I moved in here last july, I only planned to stay here for the winter. I was exhausted! All I wanted to do was sleep!
I had been in and out of shelters and missions for so long, that when I paid my rent, and got my key, and went to my new room, I almost went to doyle the manager, and asked, how long can I stay here? This is the main question that you ask when you check into a shelter or mission. Another question you ask is what time do I have to be in by? I had to think real hard and realize that I didn�t have to ask those questions, and that I can come and go as I wished! I had keys!!! The first time I went out at night, after dark, I felt out of place, and strange; I still do, as I am not used to being outside after dark.

Then, the STUFF started moving in after me. It started with a tee vee and a coffeepot. Then the telephone, a computer. I bought the first thing smoking as far as the puter was concerned. Then a desk for the puter, then clothing started accumulating , then dishes, and the next thing I know, I have a load of STUFF! When I moved in, I had a small bag with a sheet, a pillow, and a couplae of pairs of jeans and shirts! If I moved out now, I need a TRUCK! I have accumulated stuff before, but never this much stuff. In the past, I just left it all behind. Now I am incapable of doing that. And I have real pals who care about me, that if I did just up and bolt, they would be very disappointed in me.

Sometimes, I feel stuck. Then I realize that I don�t have to leave, and I can stay in and sleep all I want to. Im not exhausted anymore. I have a purpose in life, and I have responsibility again, and people who like me and trust me. Which trumps all!

Tomorrow is the 19th anniversary of stevens death. I think back at what I was 19 years ago, and know that I was not happy. I was 6 months sober, and struggling with that. I lost my faith with god, several times I fantasized about driving my big truck into a wall.
When steven died, I lost my perspective in reality, and lived in my own little world for a while. In this fantasy world, I was filfee rich, living in a mansion, steven was alive, as was elvis, and jfk and rfk, and all was right with the world, and I was a supreme being. But, in reality, I was sullen, and withdrawn, and suicidal.

Early in 1987, after the ex gave me the heave ho for the final time, I went back to Canada, and had a spiritual awakening. I attempted suicide for the final time. I came about a overpass, and the highway was below. I climbed up on the overpass beam, and thought about how fucked up my life was, and thought about how peaceful it would be to be with steven and elvis. Then, something weird happened. I was unable to jump off the overpass! I can go left, right, and back down to the sidewalk. But, if I tried to jump off down to the highway below, I physically felt a hand whacking me on the chest, knocking me back onto the side walk, and I heard the voice of elvis shouting NO! ITS NOT YOUR TIME, SON!!! And again and again, louder, louder each attempt to jump was met with shouts of NO!! and painful thumps on my chest. The next thing I know I felt someone pulling me off the railpost. It was the cops. And that in itself was eerie too, because no one was about, no one was there at all! So, I went to hospital for a while, and over time I reflected back on previous failed suicide attempts and realized that this path I was on is not the way to go. I have a long life ahead of me and good things to accomplish! All I have to do is TRY.you can accomplish anything in life if you just TRY. So just for today, I will TRY to maintain happiness, and keep myself busy, and realize that I am not the mongrel that I used to be when I was a stinking filfee drunk. When I got sober, I had a come to jesus meeting with god hisself. And an agreement was made. If I stay sober, he will let me live. And I plan on living for a really long time!! One day at a time.

Today, I love life, I am healthy, and im excited as to wake up and see what the day will bring! I try to wake up with a smile and the eagerness of a small child. New challenges are ahead, and I have something to look forward to everyday!!! LIFE!!! Yay!!!

Tomorrow will be a repeat of the post that I did last September 30th.

If you made it this far, thank you for reading and caring. It means a lot to me.

Now, its time to start my day, and have FUN!!!

CAT OF THE DAY

THIS IS FOR MY PAL GOLFWIDOW!

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