06:24 - Thursday, Mar. 16, 2006
cheap fun stuff to read when ya bored!
As a result of the reduction of money for department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel. Under this plan, older employees will be asked to go on early retirement, thus permitting the retention of the younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.
This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel). Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company. SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This phase of the program is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). All employees who have been SLAPPED or SCREWED may file an appeal with the upper management. This is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination). Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate. If an employee follows the above procedures, he/she will be entitled to get HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment) unless he/she already has AIDS (Additional Income From Dependents or Spouse). After getting HERPES or CLAP employee's will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company. Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our Special High Intensity Training (SHIT). This company takes pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive. We have given our employees more SHIT than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor. YOUR SUPERVISOR IS SPECIALLY TRAINED TO MAKE SURE YOU RECEIVE ALL THE SHIT YOU CAN STAND.
How to Clean Your Mouse
"Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit). Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.
"Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist-off method. Mouse balls are not usually static-sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.
"Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items."
Prison vs. Work
IN PRISON...you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
AT WORK....you spend most of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.
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IN PRISON...you get three meals a day (free).
AT WORK.....you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it yourself.
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IN PRISON...you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK.....you get rewarded for good behavior with more WORK.
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IN PRISON...a guard locks and unlocks the doors for you.
AT WORK.....you must carry around a security card and unlock open all the doors yourself.
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IN PRISON... you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK.....you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
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IN PRISON...you get your own toilet.
AT WORK.....you have to share.
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IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK.....you can not even speak to your family and friends.
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IN PRISON...all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work at all.
AT WORK.....you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.
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IN PRISON...you spend most of your life looking through the bars from the inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK.....you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
