03:29 - 18 February 2005
EARLY EDITION
SLINKY LINK OF THE DAY! RAYTAL.COM
TOP STORY
land of salt and pepper-(DD) A prize was recieved from one of this papers faithful readers, boxx9000 when our fearless minion and leader of this drivel, (namely, me) returned to the central offices here at who did it and ran, ink!! a rather suspicious looking prize package worth over $20.00 cash money, american! was sitting on a table, rather non-chalantly, and waiting very patiently to be opened!
well, without missing a beat, the star of the show, (namely, me) swooped upon the suspicious looking package, and without contacting the united states department of homeland security, and against all regulations, opened the prize package worth over $20.00 cash money, and emptied the contents on the table for personal inspection.
this is what our brave package opener (namely, me) discovered:
1. a family fun pack of assorted coloured sharpies, to be used for top secret missions;
2. a very cheerful "im sleeping" type sign, written in the kings english, big bold colourful letters included, so even the extremely blind can read the sign!
3. a wonderful top selling major moving picture (a talkie!) suitable for viewing for one and all, including the author (arthur) of this drivel de snivel; lilo and stitch!! produced by a major moving picture studio in cartoon form so even the very feeble minded, (namely, me) will be able to follow along and enjoy this modern marvel of moving picture, contained in the newfangled DVD form!!
and now, an editorial response to this wonderful and joyful suprise:
THANKY THANKY THANKY YOUS!!! top boxx you are numero uno in our book!!
in udder news you can snooze by, all day long!
last minute work request:
doyle the manager here at the nice and clean hotel asked me at the last minute to work the 5 pm to 9 am shift cause one of HIS MINIONS called in "sick" so theres 16 hours to start off the pay period! yay!! boo!!! yay!! well, i didnt sleep all day yesterday, and now im up all night, standing (or sitting) ever so vigilant, maintaing the peace, in a manner that would make the secretary of defence proud!!
front desk-(DD) disappointed reigned during the coveted dinner hour as a previously popular pizza slinging outfit (papa johns) was called into service to make an large all meats pizza, and deliver it forthwith to headquarters! money was exchanged, a tip was not given, and the box was opened......
The "ALL MEATS" pizza was lacking in one aspect, the MEAT!! 15 bucks and a shiny nickle was proffered for this sludge of malformed dough and slimy cheese and very little MEAT!! 3 slices was consumed and then the ciggy moocher was summoned to consume the rest, which he cheerfully did, then he requested a smoke from our cigarette machine, (namely, me!)
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Bacon Just One Of Sprint's New
Downloadable Ring Scents
OVERLAND PARK, KS�Wireless-phone-service provider Sprint PCS has added Hickory-Smoked Bacon to its quickly growing list of downloadable Ring Scents, which includes Pine Forest, New Car, and Cinnamon Potpourri. "Smells are stronger memory triggers than sounds, and now you can assign a different smell for everyone on your phone list," Sprint spokesperson Mindy Harris said. "We even have a line of Bling Scents like Cash, Crissy, and Blueberry. And we have Alabama Clay, Wet Dog, and Skoal Bandit for country-music fans." For customers who carry their cell phones in their mouths, Sprint will introduce Ring-Savors in January 2006.
new girlfriend bears disturbing resemblance to old girlfriend
ATLANTA�Friends of David Buntrock told reporters Monday that his new girlfriend Katie Wickstrom looks unsettlingly similar to his former girlfriend Tonya Gill. "When I first saw them together I thought, 'Wow, did David and Tonya work things out?'" friend Angie Lisota said, explaining that both Wickstrom and Gill are petite, with cropped brown hair, big eyes, and a penchant for dressing like ballet dancers. "Even her voice sounds a little nasally, like Tonya's." According to Buntrock, Wickstrom "actually looks more like Audrey Hepburn."
paris review recieves mysterious plimpton essay about being a ghost!
NEW YORK�Paris Review editors report that they received an unsolicited essay from the late founder George Plimpton about his first-hand experiences as a ghost Tuesday. "I have always believed in immersing myself in my investigative work, be it as an acrobat, a boxer, or a Detroit Lion," read the cover letter accompanying the 3,200-word essay that materialized in the current editor's mailbox Monday. "Dying two years ago afforded me the unique opportunity to examine the afterlife from both sides of the Pearly Gates." Plimpton's letter said he would waive all payment, as he no longer has any use for things of the mortal world.
