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05:56 - 01 March 2005
the great craigslist job hunt!!!

 
THE GREAT CRAIGSLIST JOB HUNT.
 
 

 
   
 

I'm looking for a job. I'd prefer to do something that would involve
working with cats, free food, gay men and more free stuff for me. But of course,
I'm flexible. I'd rather not wear a uniform or a costume of any sort.
I'd like an expense account, and the ability to order all of the sparkly
pens I want from the office supply catalog (if office supplies are involved).
I'd prefer not to have to interact in a pleasant manner with schmucks.
I would like to be sent to exotic travel destinations on the company dollar.
And I'd rather not be expected to get to work at the crack of dawn everyday.
Oh, and one more thing … it would be nice if I didn't have to stare
into a computer screen all day with a blank, pained expression contemplating
my soul-sucking existence on a regular basis. Once a week could be acceptable.
But no more than that.


And I'm definitely not interested in sending you a shitty resume and
then putting on my roommate's suit (sorry, I don't own one) to meet with
you. I don't want to tell you about my skills and experiences and why
I'm the right candidate for the job. We should have all of our meetings
over cheeseburgers -- which you, naturally, provide. So, if you want to pay
me lots of money to do something stupid, please email me immediately.
I'm 100 percent for sale. And 100 percent serious.


In the meantime, I'm just going to sit here and wait for the fabulous
offers to come rolling in, while I contemplate all of the completely idiotic
ways that one could make a living. Thank you, craigslist!


Entrepreneurial
Red Sox Fan Wanted!


Seeking Red Sox fan eager to sell a unique tee-shirt that teases Yankee
fans in a classy way, reminding them of "4InARowin'04" (tm)
This is a hot item in Boston and very desitable for the many Sox fans
living in the "Big Apple."


Compensation: $5-$8 markup per shirt

Hiring Organization: 4InARowin04 Partnership


"Classy," indeed. There are few things in the world that I'd
rather do less than stand outside of Yankee Stadium hawking T-shirts to
Red Sox fans in the "Big Apple." (Gotta love those needless
quotation marks). Although, seeing Boston fans walking around with the
fantastically retarded slogan "4InARowin'04" could provide some
moderate entertainment. And an $8 markup per shirt ain't half bad. I have
no shame. Hell, sign me up. Sell 12 shirts a night, five nights per week,
and I'd be pretty good to go. See ya at the Stadium. Um, let's go Red
Sox?


Hair
Fairy/Marketer/Manager


Hair Fairies - The Head Lice Helpers ***SEE IN PEOPLE MAGAZINE***


1026 Avenue of The Americas, Suite 502

New York, New York 10018

www.hairfairies.com


8250 West 3rd Street suite 202

Los Angeles, CA 90048




Company Description****: Hair Fairies has been in business since 1999.
We are the only head lice removal salon in Manhattan. Our services are
100% guaranteed and we are pediatrician and school recommended. It is
our Nit-Zapping process along with our Nit-Zapping products that make
us successful. We are a growing company presently in Beverly Hills, CA
and New York, NY. Hair Fairies intends on growing its salons into all
fifty states. Our interest is to promote from within the company.


Job Title & Description (3):***


1.) Hair Fairy (nit-picker) - removing head lice from children and
adults using our patented Nit-Zapping process and products.


2.) Marketer - Traveling to pediatrician offices throughout the five
boroughs setting up brochure racks with the brochure insert


3.) Manager - The store manager is required to regularly and customarily
exercise discretion in managing the overall operation of the store. In
particular, a majority of time is spent supervising and directing the
workforce, making staffing decisions (i.e., hiring, training, evaluating,
disciplining, discharging, staffing and scheduling), ensuring customer
satisfaction and product quality, managing the store's financial performance,
and managing safety and security within the store. The incumbent is responsible
for modeling and acting in accordance with Hair Fairies guiding principles.


****Hair Fairies intends on hiring an individual who is capable of
all three-job descriptions.


Wages: $10-12 per hour plus tips


Hours: Flexible


Must Have: Patience, team player abilities, customer service experience,
strong work ethic, desire to grow with company, ability to multi-task


Whatever happened to the good old-fashioned lice shampoo that just about
every other kid in America had to suffer through after they came home
from summer camp? Why on earth do you need HAIR FAIRIES to pick the freaking
bugs out of your hair??


Although -- this ad totally sparked a brilliant idea. The next time I'm
sitting at a bar and some nasty-ass guy hits on me, I'm going to tell
him I'm a Hair Fairy/Nit Picker when he asks what I do for a living. It's
a hell of a lot better than my usual answer: I write for The Black
Table
, and no, I'm not going to blow you.


Flyer
Promo Time Square 6:30p-9pm /4 the Improv


Make quick cash,informing people in the Time Square area w/Flyers
and clean jokes to get them to watch the show at 9:oo....No jokes required.
Talk them In! Get some money! Great Stand-up shows make for an Easy Sale....please
call 917 866 9596


God, I hate those fucking comedy-club-flyering pricks. For some reason,
they always accost me in the same two places: outside of H&M on 34th
Street, or while I'm smoking a cigarette in front of Grassroots Tavern.
And it's always the same goddamned question: "Excuse me, do you like
to laugh?" I could kill those fuckers when they ask me that.


Listen dickhead. No, I don't like to laugh. I hate laughing. Laughing
sucks. Now get the hell away from me, I'm just trying to buy some cheap,
poorly-made accessories at H&M, and I'd appreciate it if you'd leave
me alone to enjoy my budget shopping extravaganza in peace WITHOUT FUCKING
LAUGHING. Cause seriously, I hate laughing. Assholes.


So, anyway, hiring managers of the world, I'm totally available. Like,
call me!

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