at the crack of dawn! - 04 April 2005
church stories and udder useless stuff
Monday is here, and I need to function, which means that i have to do dishes, clean the room, do laundry, beg for food (SHOP!!! i mean SHOP for food!! note to self: you HAVE money now stupid, they WILL let you in the supermarket) old habits are hard to break folks! watch BASEBALL on tv, TAKE A SHOWER!!! (phew!!) eat, and not all necessarily in that order.
Thank you one and all who left notes of condolences for me over the weekend, although i knew that the pope was dying, when it actually happened, i was crying like i did when my son and elvis died, it hit real hard. when i was coming up, and whenever the pope was on TV, silence was required in the house, and all of us were required to watch and be reverant, and listen to his every word, i was raised to believe that the pope is right there next to jesus and god, and when ya see the pope, its just like seeing god!
i remember the first time going to church, my brother took me and we sat way in the back pew. it was creepy. the mass was in latin, and the flame from the candles made me cry. we each got a shiny nickle to put in the poor box as we entered the church, and for years, i thought you had to pay to get in the church, and you paid by putting your nickle in the poor box. it wasn't til i recieved my first holy communion that i realised that you didnt have to pay to get in, so i went to the drug store across the street to spend that shiny nickle on a bag of malted milk balls!
in practicing for my first holy communion, it was a big mess! the parish priest looked 10 feet tall as i kneeled to recieve "the body of christ" the BODY of christ?! i thought the priest had mystical powers and actually changed the water into wine, and that he actually HAD the body of christ broken up in that chalice! i didn't understand the symbolism at all, and didnt realise that no water was involved at all, it really was wine, and "the body of christ" was only wafers.
so, it was my turn to recieve communion, and i was scared shitless! the priest (in my lil mind) boomed, THE BODY OF CHRIST!!! and i closed my eyes and stuck out my tougne, and he put the wafer on it, and o man, i started gagging!! i was gonna hurl right there!! 2 penguins (ahem, nuns) picked me up and whisked me over to the side door, and i hurled, big time! heres what i heard whilst puking:
nun#1: (in irish accent) has he thown out the spirits?
nun#2: aye, that he has, sister!! a shame!!
nun#1: aye, a shame it is, the lad is condemned to a life of hell!!
i dont recall what happened after that, but i was condemned to a life of hell, so all was lost!
i wanted to goto hebrew school like my pals were doing, but the rabbi would not let me, it cost money i was told, and we didnt have any. later i found out it was because my dad was catholic and my mother was jewish, and that didnt mix, so i learned half ass judism from my mom. and was made to goto mass on sundays. i was confused for many years, and some people say im still confused!
i was an altar boy for a while, and that was fun! it was then that i realised that the priest had no mystical powers at all, and he smoked and cussed like the rest of us. i had aspirations to become a priest, but was discouraged from that by the priest, because we were poor, and you have to goto COLLEGE to be a priest, and no way im going to college! that costs big bucks!
then one day, i walked into the rectory, and went to my priests office for some reason, and opened the door, and lo and behold! there was a blonde gal sitting on the priests lap!! upon opening the door, she hurriedly got up, and the priest stammered, " oh, shes my sister!" i sez, sister! ya, right! and was totally discouraged about any aspirations right then and there! the priest soon left the priesthood, and married his "sister"!!
heres a nifty lil graph i seen on a newspage that tells of where the next pope could come from!
i BEGGED golfwidow to let me steal this chart below, and i she actually let me, and sent me the HTML! whatta pal, whatta pal!
scroll down a lil bit!!!
| Features | The Pope | Art |
| Country of Origin | Poland | Canada |
| Gender | Male | Male |
| Age | 84 at death | (ahem) 40-something |
| Politics | Catholic | Views himself as a Liberal Democrat, (GASP!) although current political thinking considers that to be of a friggen moron! |
| Religion | Catholic | Raised Catholic/Jewish |
| Faith level | Devout | Confused |
| Morality | Saintly | Accused to be near Saintly at times, But has known to go with the flow |
| Personal Motto | "Totus tuus sum, Maria." ("I am completely yours, Mary.") | "Can vos parco nonnullus viaticus?" ("Can you spare some change?") |
| Popularity | Beloved | Psychotically imagines to be beloved |
well, i hope everybuddy has a happy monday! comments and notes are highly encouraged!!!
useful fact of the day!
Every human spent about half an hour as a single cell!
cat of the day!
