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06:44 - Sunday, Sept. 18, 2005 i got my mail, and in it was a letter from the local social security office. my spidey sense kicked in! oh shit, i was thinking. what can this be? well, i sat down, and opened the letter. long time readers here know that i have written in here on how i struggle, and when i seem to get my shit together, and get a nice gig going for me, something always comes along, and knocks me down off my pedestil. well this has happened once again. social security has determined that i have been gainfully employed since november, 2004, and that in 30 days, i will be losing my disability benefits. after 30 days of the date of this letter, i will recieve a final letter from them officially terminating my benefits. my heart sank, and hit the floor. i have been saying that i really dont give a shit if they cut me off. when doyle hired me, he asked about this. and i told him that i dont care, that i feel that i can work, and that i prefer to be working. its funny how we all really depend on money. when i was on the street, in the gutter, i could have cared less if i had money or not. after all, i really didnt need it. i lived in missions, shelters, if i wanted a cigarette, i either bummed them, or picked them out of ash trays. if i was broke, which often was the case, 2 weeks after check day, and wanted coffee, i went into hotels, where they usually have coffee bars for free for the guests, and i just helped myself. if i wanted clean clothes, i just got some at the mission. you get the idea. i do have a bi-polar disorder, and am continually depressed, but i have it under control without meds, i have been without meds since january. i quit going to a therapist, and just have lived, and worked, and have gotten along with the people around me. when i got the letter yesterday, panic set in, and my 1st instinct was to run. flee. just say, aw, fuck it, and go. but, i am not going to do that. i will be losing 780 dollars a month, but ya know, when you look at it, its really not all that much. now, monday, i will be talking to doyle as to my job options. i like it here, i really do, and its been great here, and i have built up quite a thing for myself here. and i can work. i really feel that i can hold down a job. i can cook. i can wash dishes. i can do something. so as to my job here. the assistant managers job here is just a reduction in rent for looking after this place. i pay 200 instead of 353. and im a fill in at the hotel if someone needs a day off, i go in otherwise i just go in on saturdays from 9-5.the pay period just ended, and i got only 45 hours for the previous 2 weeks. theres about 325 coming to me there on the 20th. but lets say for instance that i just work the 2 saturdays for the pay period. thats only 16 hours, thas only less than 100 bucks, take home. i have rent, the dish, the innernet, food for me and the cat, and cigarettes. reality has set in folks! if i want to function in society like every one else, i am going to have to get a full time job, and dig in, and adjust my routine. i have been dormant for a lot of years, and its time to get moving. if doyle cannot help me by giving me more hours at the rio grande, then its time to move on. i will have to tell him that reality has set in, and i will not be able to be here at aspenview as much as he wants me to be. i like the life i have now, and i need to be full time employed, 80 hours every 2 weeks, to maintain my current living. if i have to move from here and into another apartment, so be it. but i will be god damned if i am going back into a shelter or mission. i have gotten used to this thing i have. i have gotten myself into real log jams, and jackpots over the years. and have survived. i have always managed to come up with a solution, i have many skills and talents, and i just need to suck it up, and get busy. i probabaly wont be posting as early as i have been, i may even switch to post at night, but i will be here. im not going anywhere. and im not quitting, either. a quitter never wins, and a winner never quits. i have been dealt a knockout blow, but i may be down on the canvas, but im not knocked out, maintain. i can amd will survive and get thru this quagmire. CAT OF THE DAY |