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06:44 - Sunday, Sept. 18, 2005
the shit has hit the fucking fan, and its not good!!!
yesterday was pretty much uneventful, except when i got home. i had to deliver a lease violation to a tenant who is unclear on the concept that she cannot be housing other people! but, thats not the real news.

i got my mail, and in it was a letter from the local social security office. my spidey sense kicked in! oh shit, i was thinking. what can this be? well, i sat down, and opened the letter.

long time readers here know that i have written in here on how i struggle, and when i seem to get my shit together, and get a nice gig going for me, something always comes along, and knocks me down off my pedestil. well this has happened once again.

social security has determined that i have been gainfully employed since november, 2004, and that in 30 days, i will be losing my disability benefits. after 30 days of the date of this letter, i will recieve a final letter from them officially terminating my benefits. my heart sank, and hit the floor.

i have been saying that i really dont give a shit if they cut me off. when doyle hired me, he asked about this. and i told him that i dont care, that i feel that i can work, and that i prefer to be working.
but in reality. i just want to crawl into a corner and die! i really do feel like someone has lowered the boom on me and im all done. it always happens. whenever i get going good in life, something always comes about to kick me in the ass, and knock me back into the gutter.

its funny how we all really depend on money. when i was on the street, in the gutter, i could have cared less if i had money or not. after all, i really didnt need it. i lived in missions, shelters, if i wanted a cigarette, i either bummed them, or picked them out of ash trays. if i was broke, which often was the case, 2 weeks after check day, and wanted coffee, i went into hotels, where they usually have coffee bars for free for the guests, and i just helped myself. if i wanted clean clothes, i just got some at the mission. you get the idea.

i do have a bi-polar disorder, and am continually depressed, but i have it under control without meds, i have been without meds since january. i quit going to a therapist, and just have lived, and worked, and have gotten along with the people around me. when i got the letter yesterday, panic set in, and my 1st instinct was to run. flee. just say, aw, fuck it, and go. but, i am not going to do that. i will be losing 780 dollars a month, but ya know, when you look at it, its really not all that much.

now, monday, i will be talking to doyle as to my job options. i like it here, i really do, and its been great here, and i have built up quite a thing for myself here. and i can work. i really feel that i can hold down a job. i can cook. i can wash dishes. i can do something.

so as to my job here. the assistant managers job here is just a reduction in rent for looking after this place. i pay 200 instead of 353. and im a fill in at the hotel if someone needs a day off, i go in otherwise i just go in on saturdays from 9-5.the pay period just ended, and i got only 45 hours for the previous 2 weeks. theres about 325 coming to me there on the 20th.

but lets say for instance that i just work the 2 saturdays for the pay period. thats only 16 hours, thas only less than 100 bucks, take home. i have rent, the dish, the innernet, food for me and the cat, and cigarettes. reality has set in folks! if i want to function in society like every one else, i am going to have to get a full time job, and dig in, and adjust my routine. i have been dormant for a lot of years, and its time to get moving.

if doyle cannot help me by giving me more hours at the rio grande, then its time to move on. i will have to tell him that reality has set in, and i will not be able to be here at aspenview as much as he wants me to be. i like the life i have now, and i need to be full time employed, 80 hours every 2 weeks, to maintain my current living. if i have to move from here and into another apartment, so be it. but i will be god damned if i am going back into a shelter or mission. i have gotten used to this thing i have.

i have gotten myself into real log jams, and jackpots over the years. and have survived. i have always managed to come up with a solution, i have many skills and talents, and i just need to suck it up, and get busy.

i probabaly wont be posting as early as i have been, i may even switch to post at night, but i will be here. im not going anywhere. and im not quitting, either. a quitter never wins, and a winner never quits. i have been dealt a knockout blow, but i may be down on the canvas, but im not knocked out,
yet. its time to get busy. im gonna drink another cup of coffee, and talk to my pal. chaosdaily then after that have a really good cry, and then get my shit together.

maintain. i can amd will survive and get thru this quagmire.



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