07:06 - Thursday, Sept. 22, 2005
im trying NOT to panic......
its strange how money dictates your life, even if you sit here and say that it dont matter, it does.
frankly, im scared shitless! the past few days has been really surreal, just feeling numb, and going thru the motions. and its all about this fucking check! i been getting this since 1991, and ya know, im TIRED of fighting. So, they take my check. its been like a crutch for me, and they took the crutch away. what the hell is next?? i got 300 saved up for journal con, it WAS 500!!! i had planned on taking 200 from my work check that i just got, and put it away with the journal con money, now, i dont know if im getting my gubbermint check at the end of the month. im gonna have the rent for october, thanks to the moocher taking time off. the next work check is paid on the 5th. but this what i just got , i am afraid to spend it!! me, afraid to spend money!! aggggg!!
Sometimes life goes better at work if you just let people believe you aren�t quite right in the head, my pal, golfwidow writes.. well, thats ok here, its kinda expected really, and being in the situation i am now in, i dunno, so, what happens after this week? i know, im supposed to take one step at a time, but i just cannot relax. i cant really depend on doyle or anyone else to get me work. my back is killing me. most days i cannot walk a block without severe back pain!! how the fuck am i gonna stand up and cook breakfast/lunch 8 hours a day??? people see me, im a big guy, and they think theres nothing wrong with me. im fat, out of shape, tired all the time, and constantly depressed. especially now, i just wanna curl up inna ball on the bed, and stay there. oh ya, bonus! my feet are swollen most of the time, and turning purple!!!
ok, so what if i get a job cooking, or washing dishes? can i make the 1500 a month i need to take home to survive at the present level at which i am living? if i sit here, and depend upon doyle to get me hours, and i cant get them, then im screwed. time to face facts here. doyle is ok as long as the rent is paid. i seen 1st hand what happens to people who dont pay rent.
monday, i was gonna go to the job service and see what i can see, but when i went and told doyle about the letter, he let me work all day. (pity hours) then, when i told moocher what was up, he takes his vacation time. (more pity hours) so now, its thursday; i can goto the job service today to see what i can see...
ok, say i go there today, and land a job!! great!! but then, ya know i been planning on journal con all year, and i got the amtrak tickets already, and the cash stacked; so i get the new job, and say right off the bat, "ok new boss, i have to take oct 18th to the 25th off for this san diego trip i been planning all year." how is THAT gonna look? i dont know WHAT to do at this point! today, i have 343 in the bank. my rent is 200. i can get a money order today for the rent, leaving me 140 in the bank for the rest of the month. ok and on the 5th, i will have about 500 from the hours im working currently. then the fone bill, about 50, dish, about 70, innernet, 70, food, 200 including cat food, smokes, 100.....and it goes and goes.....my head is spinning.
see? depending on money. life revolves around the almighty dollar! oh, ya, well. i can just say fuck it all, and live inna shelter in san francisco. go back to fucking zero. all that i accopmlished over the past year down the shitter. i just wanna smash things. frustrating. but i wont. still it remains, go out today, and find a job? and what if i have to move from here, onto another apartment where the rent will be higher, and what if i will have to pay utilities? my mind is scattered all inna jumble. i gotta DO something!!! so much indecision! ya know, i never used to be like this! i always came up with the answers. now, i cant concentrate, or rather, struggle to concentrate as to what needs to get done. what a fucking roller coaster this life is!! and im by myself too!!! what if i had someone to support besides a low maintenence cat? or lil kids?? boggles the mind!! i dont know how folks do it!! car payments. bills bills bills!!!
i know my measly lil problem here is miniscule compared to what all y'all may be going thru!! last year, i recall writing here about all i have to pay out is rent and fone and innernet, and the rest was gravy. then some one commented that they wished they was so lucky.
its gonna be ok. maintain. breathe. confidence. suck it up!!! go!! but its white knuckle time!! agggggg!
all i have to do is see what i can see. the saga continues.....
FACT OF THE DAY
This day in 1761 saw the coronation of George III. The son of Duke Friedrich Ludwig of Brunswick-L�neburg and Augusta of Saxe-Gotha, and the grandson of George II, he was the first of Britain's Hanoverian monarchs to be born in the country and the first to use English as his first language. His reign was not auspicious however; under George - and directly attributable to him - Britain lost the bulk of its colonies in North America.
CAT OF THE DAY damn..looks like creamsicle!!
