05:36 - Monday, Mar. 13, 2006
monday funday
The Bathtub Test
It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and t his should help get you started. During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.
No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?
6 Things to do that will drive your co-workers NUTS!
1)When someone walks by, grab your computer in an embrace and snarl at them. Pet your computer and seductively whisper to it.
2)Skip down the halls singing "Come Sail Away" then when you pass someone, look at them strangely and ask for them to quit that.
3)Disquise your voice and page people to fake extentions. Then walk by the person you just paged, stop and stare while shaking your head.
4)Walk around taking notes and when someone asks you what your doing, grin and say "I think that's the last of your worries, don't you?" and wink
5)Wait by the restroom and everytime someone walks out, pretend to walk in and rush back out while screaming "My god, did something die in there" follow by gagging and coughing.
6)After doing 6 to at least 10 people, page over the intercom that the restrooms have been closed for everyone's safety.
Useful Explanations for Falling Asleep at Your Desk
"They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
"I wasn't sleeping, I was trying to pick up contact lens without hands."
"I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"
"Amen"
"This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to."
"Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper"
"I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress."
"This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"
"Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"
"Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
Please Read: New Corporate Restroom Policy!
To All Employees:
In the past, employees have been permitted to use the restroom without restriction. Effective December 31st, 2005, a RESTROOM POLICY will be established. Under this policy, employees will be given twenty (20) restroom credits per month. These credits may be accumulated from month to month. At the end of the calendar year, employees will be reimbursed for all extra credits in excess of twenty at the rate of three minutes per credit.
Within two weeks, the entrances to all restrooms will be equipped with voice recognition devices. Each employee must provide two voice prints (one normal and one under stress) to his/her supervisor by August 30. The voice recognition stations will be operational, but not restrictive, during the month of April. Beginning September 1 if an employee's restroom credit balance reaches zero, the doors to the restrooms will not open for that employee until the first day of the next month.
In addition, all restrooms will be equipped with timed paper roll retractors. If the restroom is occupied for more than three minutes, an alarm will sound. Thirty seconds after the alarm, the roll of paper will retract into the wall, the toilet will flush, and the restroom door will swing open. If the restroom remains occupied for an additional thirty seconds, the occupant's picture will be taken and posted on bulletin boards relating to employee matters. Any employee whose picture appears more than three times in a calendar year will be subject to administrative counseling.
The Management
