05:29 - Saturday, Sept. 30, 2006
Steven
Today is my son Steven's 22nd birthday. for the new folks, Steven died on july 27, 1986 from an accidental fall from a window. he was 22 months old at the time. i have other children all grown, 2 boys and a daughter who live thier own lives on this planet, and more than likely have no memory of me at all. This was back in my old life when i was a rotten wife beating drunk, and all around rotten asshole who settled disputes with my fists, rather than talk things out like a regular human being would.
2 and one half years after my ex threw me out for the last time, and in a scheme she concocted along with the state social services workers, she told the cops i threw Steven out the window, and as a result of this lie, i was robbed of 2 and one half years of freedom, and in the interim, i had suffered 2 nervous breakdowns, and was pumped up full of psychotic drugs, and was proven INNOCENT by a jury of my peers and set free without so much as a "im sorry" from anyone on november 22, 1991.
and i stayed sober throught the entire ordeal.
Please dont tell me that i should "look up" my kids. im not going to do that. they have their own lives to live, and its up to them if they wanna find me. Live and Leave them alone.
i live in peace today, thankful that i am 20 years sober and a survivour. i am NOT the person that i once was, having gone through years of therapy, and have learned to forgive and forget; once full of rage, i have learned how to live, and that rage that i once had is now gone.
i really feel no ill will against my ex, in her mindset at the time, i was evil, and she feared for her life because at the time she threw me out, i was threatening to kill her for doing that, because i was a tyrant when i was active in my booze drinking, and even though i was sober for almost a year when she tossed me out on my fat ass, she was rightfully at the time afraid of me; after all, i was sober before, and fell off the wagon many times. she had just had enough. and i really dont blame her now.
yes, its very painful for me that i have no idea where my kids are or what they are doing with their lives. its much better this way. i do not deserve at all to be a part of their lives after all these years, and to them, i am a stranger. i will not invade their lives even though i am not the person that they once knew.
thats just the way it is. i am happy with my life now, and i hope that they are happy in theirs. live and leave em alone.
today, i have a decent place to live, a great job, responsibility, people who depend upon me, and a sweet cat who is a great companion, and wonderful friends here in Diaryland who dont judge me, and accept me for who i am today. and i am happy. i no longer dwell in the past, for there is no reason to do so. i have done some nasty shit, but there is nothing i can do to change it. its done. its past. move on. i live for today, one day at a time; its not easy some days, but im healthy, and alive, and by all rights i should be graveyard dead! but im gonna live a long time, see, i got a deal with God; i stay sober and He lets me live. thats the deal. and i am never ever going to be violent to another living being ever again. i will live in peace.
i work today from 8 am to 4 pm, and its gonna be a nice sun shiny day, for which i am grateful to share with my fellow human beings and my swell cat. and when the time comes, i will spend eternity with my son.
