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14:01 - Wednesday, Feb. 11, 2009
see what happens when you drink and drug? read and take heed, you might learn something
ok folks, now that ive had my lil pity party, im back on the air!

Ive been clean and sober for 23 years, and i consider that a great accomplishment. ive made great strides in the past 23 years, what with the death of my son, steven, and the break up of my so called marriage, and then, being falsely accused in steven's death, and the crap i went thru with that, the nervous breakdowns i have had, and the struggle to just survive and live and let live.

i been in and out of homelessness for many years, and lived good and lived rotten. when i decided that enough was enough 23 years ago, and started trying to live on the up and up, i knew it was going to be a long uphill battle.

when i was married, i was a raging drunk, and incompentent; irresponsible, asshole to the max, and i didnt give a shit about anything or anyone but myself. my wife brought forth 3 sons into the world, along with the daughter she bore from another man, previous to me. we lost one son to a fall out of a window, and that loss will be with me until the end of eternity.

i didnt start to own up to my own problems until i was about 5 years sober, and i realise what a fuck up i had been. there is no "do over" button to push, so i just decided that things were the way they were, and that was that. dont live in the past, but live for today, and dont worry about tomorrow, as it is not promised to you, i was taught. and i have learned to live with that philosophy, and have tryed to live it when i was able to.

meanwhile, back at the ranch that i created, i had 2 boys that were growing up without me. i do not know how they were raised, having left them and my responsibility to them in early 1987, because the wife had had enough of my bullshit, and way of life, which was abusive, and nasty.

so, i have lived my life, and about 2 years ago, during the holidays, my youngest surviving son found me here on the innernets, and for a few weeks we talked and talked, and he made a choice that he does not want anything more to do with me, which is fine and dandy. at the time, i was overjoyed that he found me and was willing to talk and ask questions. he said that he understood that me and his mother were young and stupid. i kept asking about sean, and it seemed at the time, that he was living elseware, but that scott was talking to him, and he sent me a pic of them, all grown up, and i would look at the pic and cry with happiness that my boys wanted to talk to ME! after the way i treated them in my drinking daze, and the way i treated thier mother. my boys have never seen me sober the years i was around them, and they regarded me as "the enemy".

so, after a few weeks, scott decided that he didnt wanna have anything to do with me anymore, which was fine, hes an adult, and its his choice. i will not invade into their life at all. live and let live.

the other day, just for chills and thrills, i googled my son sean, and what i found out shocked me to the point that i just didnt have the will power to sit here and write, especially how crappy my life is and whining about that.

what i found out was that back in 2006, my son sean was running around with a "gang" of sorts, and they took a ball bat to someone, and tuned them up real good, robbing someone of a few measly dollars, and reading about it, and finding out the disposition, he done a year in the slammer for it, thats why he wasnt around when scott contacted me at that time.

so, now, im feeling guilt and sadness over it all, and have been thinking long and hard, going over my life, and the mistakes i made, and realising that i am in total fault as to what has happened with my boys and how they turned out in life. the way i look at it, if i didnt drink and use drugs, if i was responsible, maybe i'd still be divorced, i dunno, but my kids would have been raised right, and not all fucked up like i was.

so, i guess my whole point in this diatribe is, if you are reading this, and you have a drinking problem, or a drug problem, and have kids, or maybe you are abusive towards them, or your spouse, all i gotta say is, get off the pot, and get some help, forthwith, otherwise, your children will turnout just like society stereotypes them as fucked up, from a broken home, yadda yadda.

love your children like you want to be loved, listen to them, and take heed, as they do not know how to live unless you show them the proper way, for they do not know any better, all they know is what they see in life thru the parents. dont fight and argue with your spouse, talk things out civilly and like grownups, rational and not in anger. yea, i know not all couples get along, and not all kids from broken homes end up in the slammer or worse. some turn out all right. all i am saying is that alcohol and drugs and raising children dont mix. i am a fine example of that. i like to think that if i wasnt a alcoholic and all that, my life might be better today. in 50 years old, i live in a mission, and i dont have a pot to piss in. the majority of men my age in america have nice houses and money in the bank, and a family. because of my insolence and disregard for things in life, i do not have that. i have no family, i have no job, i have no finances, and no nice house to live in. because i am a great big fuck up that fucked up my life early in life, and didnt care what the consequences would be. now, im paying dearly for my youthful transgressions, and not only has my actions of the past has hurt my life, but it has hurt the ones i helped to bring into this world. and they suffer because of my idiocy. and that is my regret. that i wasnt there for my sons when they needed me, and the way they turned out in life, i am responsible for. totally.

so now i have said my peace here in that regard. no matter how bad things get, or no matter what happens in life, there is NOTHING on this planet that is bad enough to make me wanna sit down and guzzle the alcohol, or take a drug, to "Relieve the pain". THIS HERE is how i relieve the pain, by writing about it, and getting feed back from all you wonderful folk out thar in innernet land, that choose to read this crap and say what you will about what you read here, your contribution to the cause is well appreciated!!

and now, in work news:

I DONT WORK FOR FREE, I DONT WORK FOR A BURGER AND A PACK OF SMOKES, I WORK FOR THE LEGAL TENDER CURRENCY THAT IS ISSUED BY THE UNITED STATES GUBBERMINT!!!!!

this guy didnt wanna pay me, wanted me to work for free, and he thought that just because i live inna mission, that he can just work my ass off and for free?? i dont think so!! so, i am now looking for a job that issues me an actual paycheck, and for someone that i dont have to second guess over, and try to translate broken english, and try to determine what the fuck they mean! some things are too good to be true, and this was one of them. i got cash money friday and saturday, and was told yesterday that i will work for free, well, like i said, I DONT THINK SO!!!

in mission news, drama central last evening, as this guy we call "prison break", who has been in the mission for a month or so, having spent the last 20 years locked up in prison, with the teardrop tats under his eyes signifying that he killed someone in prison, well, he started to go off last night at some lil guy, pulling not one but TWO KNIVES out like john wayne pulls out revolvers from holsters, and attempted to go after this guy, and fortunately, he was able to get ahold of staff, and they got this asswipe out the door, permenantly! prison break is a true social outcast, and he has been going around town, trying to get back into prison. when you been inside for that long, and they kick you loose, you only know one way of life, and thats prison life. hopefully he will get the help he needs.

so, now, i must go and look for another job. and life continues, and we all struggle to live and let live, and feel good about our accomplishments. as for me, im ok, i just needed to vent, and now that i have i can put it back into the safe, and lock the door, and live for today. and i dont forget the past, but i dont dwell innit, either, because i know from previous experience that if you live in the past, or dwell onnit, your life will remain empty, and you will eventually die. as for me i wanna live, and i have a contract with GOD, he lets me live, and i dont swill up my being with drugs and alcohol.

THE MASS IS ENDED, go in pieces, In nomine Patris, et Filii, et Spiritus Sancti. Amen.

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