05:19 - Friday, Nov. 11, 2005
what if
ya know what pisses me off sometimes? waking up!
oh dont get me wrong here, im nearly 20 years sober, i have a nice apartment, and i have good ole creamsicle.
but, i had a dream of what my life should have been, this was set in the mid - 80's when i was still an asshole drunk.
i got fired from a trucking job that i really liked, and they was loading the flatbed of MY truck, and i was wondering who would be driving it now, maybe i can go with them, after all, i drank with most of the drivers, but it was this asshole do gooder christian type, and i sneered at him, and told him i was gonna kick his ass when he got back, then i stormed out the side door, and down the street i went.
but, when i went out the door, turned left, something was wrong! this wasnt my city! but, the neighbourhood was familiar, so i turned left and started walking. walking back through time, and the neighbourhood was changing, and getting more familiar. i was in chicago, and knew i was in the navy, and had to go back. i seen this gal i had been messing with, i dont recall her name, but i met her around the same time i had first met my ex. but this wasnt quite right, she was a friend of the ex, what was she doing in chicago? up against a car, i went over to her, and we talked, and she told me that i should have picked her instead of jeanne. i knew that this was a lost oppurtunity, i made my decision, and dreaded it. the decision i had made was the wrong one, and this is one of those times where i wonder how my life would have turned out IF i had made what i percieved in the dream as the correct choice. she told me i should have picked her. i didnt listen. sigh.
so, i woke up, trying to make sense of another what if dream, and here we are, me sitting here at 4 am writing this, and you later on in the day, after i posted this, reading this, and formulating an opinion, maybe?
i am ok with how things are today, but knowing that maybe there was a chance that it could have been better? i took a wrong turn back in 1977, made a bad choice. maybe it was made because elvis just died, and my judgement was clouded, as i was grieving? i remember asking, "do you like elvis"? and she said no, but the ex said yes, so i went with her.
back then, and for a time afterwards, i made silly decisions about people depending upon whether or not they liked elvis. if the answer was no, i shunned them. if they said yes, i went with them. dumb.
if i stayed in the navy, i would have been in there 30 years, and ready to retire. makes my mind wander as to how things might have turned out.
thinking about the dream, and knowing that i went on the wrong path, that this reality is not my reality, but im stuck with it. cant go back.
but, think for a minute, what if you could go back? would you? would you go back to a crossroads in life and go left down the road instead of right? are you happy with the way things are in life now? like i said, my life is ok now, but ya know, thats all it is, "ok now". i changed the crap in my life, but changed it too late, i believed. i think i could have been happier.
but on the other hand, maybe it might have been worse! who knows!
if there was a way i could go back, i would. keeping the knowledge i have now, i would go back to the point in my life where i made a life altering decision. and make the correct choice.
today is veterans day.
Veterans Day is celebrated on November 11th.
Originally called Armistice Day, this holiday was established to honor Americans who had served in World War I. It falls on November 11, the day when that war ended in 1918,on the 11th hour of the 11th day, of the 11th month; but it now honors veterans of all wars in which the United States has fought.
Today, Veterans Day is a celebration to honor America's veterans for their patriotism, love of country, and willingness to serve and sacrifice for the common good. Veterans' organizations hold parades, and the president customarily places a wreath on the Tomb of the Unknowns at Arlington National Cemetery, across the Potomac River from Washington, D.C.
Many people confuse Memorial Day and Veterans Day. Memorial Day is a day for remembering and honoring military personnel who died in the service of their country, particularly those who died in battle or as a result of wounds sustained in battle. While those who died are also remembered on Veterans Day, Veterans Day is the day set aside to thank and honor ALL those who served honorably in the military - in wartime or peacetime. In fact, Veterans Day is largely intended to thank LIVING veterans for their service, to acknowledge that their contributions to our national security are appreciated, and to underscore the fact that all those who served - not only those who died - have sacrificed and done their duty.
Lets remember what this day really means, for us and those who fought for Our Freedom that we enjoy today, November 11, 2005.
Quote of the day:
In America, through pressure of conformity, there is freedom of choice, but nothing to choose from.
- Peter Ustinov
from my favourite newspaper, the san francisco chronicle!:
